I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
