Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
