i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
