dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
