I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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