On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
