Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
