so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
