he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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