Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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