Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
