plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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