I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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