The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
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