i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
