like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
