You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
