i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize