no, he came in my armpit
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
