I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
