his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
