dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
