Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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