Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
