If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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