we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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