i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
