dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize