I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
