fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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