I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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