Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
