Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
