so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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