my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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