Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
