her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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