1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
