yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
