Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.