Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
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I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
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He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.