We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
