I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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