Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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