I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
