My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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