I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
