cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
