I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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