before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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