I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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