You can't special order awesome
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
