I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I believe in your delicious
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
