Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
