She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
