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I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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