My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
