Do you still have your period?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
