Your mouth is God's brothel.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
