I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
