too bad you live with your parents still
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
